Over ten years ago, my best friend Josh and I used to play a lot of Star Wars Battlefront. These are the anecdotes that I can recall.
The map of Bespin naturally has several pitfalls that lead to the endless clouds below. So we appear on the map. Josh confidently hefts his rifle, cries “Follow me!”, turns, and runs off the edge of the platform, plummeting to his death. No one follows him.
One time on Hoth, Josh and I are manning a snow speeder, attempting to grapple the legs of an AT-AT, and failing spectacularly. We get shot a few times, laser blasts bursting against the windshield of the cockpit. Our speeder begins spewing thick black smoke. Things look grim.
Josh was actually piloting the ship, and I was the gunner, so on my half of the screen (where I’m typically looking), I’m watching out the back of the ship.
Anyway, Josh flees the battlefield in a hurry. I’m still taking shots at Imperial soldiers running around on the ground, when Josh begins to giggle.
So I glance at his half of the screen to find we’re flying full throttle back into our own hangar. Screaming girlishly, I scramble for the eject button, but it’s too late, and we both explode in a fiery hellstorm of shrapnel and crispy Tauntaun flesh.
“What the heck!” I say, though I’m not sure if it’s a question or a command.
“Hey, I just saved our hangar from being overrun with Imperials,” counters Josh, indignant, but still gasping with laughter.
I reply, “You could at least have warned me, so I could have jumped out of the ship at the last minute and,” I pause, thinking, “hurtled myself into the ceiling of the hangar, thus breaking open my head like an overripe watermelon.”
With a final “curse your hide!”, we return to Hoth.
You could also have computer controlled Jedi heroes on the maps. The Rebellion gets Luke Skywalker, the Empire gets Vader.
So we’re playing on Hoth as the Rebellion. I’m manning one of those turret guns and firing random blasts into the oncoming wall of AT-ATs. Suddenly, I hear heavy breathing and the hum of a lightsaber nearby.
“Uh, Josh?” I say. “Is Darth Vader somewhere near you?” Then I turn around, and find myself face to face with Lord Vader himself. He might as well have been standing there with his hands on his hips.
Naturally, I start freaking out, and empty my blaster at him. This is about the time I should mention that you can’t kill the Jedi heroes. They just deflect your fire with their lightsabers, and if you shoot them, it just tends to piss them off.
I begin to flee. Usually in these games, this is a sound tactic when you encounter the opposing side’s Jedi. This time, however, even after crossing half the map, I don’t hear the sound of his breathing fade away. I spare a moment to glance back down the snowy hill, and there he is, charging up after me, swinging his lightsaber, shouting, “Why won’t you die?!”
Seeing that, I scream like a girl and continue to run. Right about then, we happen to cross Josh’s field of vision. All he sees is me, at a distance, running across the snow, and Vader chasing after me. Distantly, across the sounds of the battle, he swears he can hear me calling for help. “AAAAGH!”
By that time, I’ve reached the Empire’s base camp, and some random stormtrooper mercifully ends my life.
